Doux Comme Miel

My original plan for the day was to stay home and not talk to anyone, exhausted as I was from a week full of waiting for work, socializing, and having my time wasted by certain energy vampires. This initial plan was supported by a late morning rain shower, but was then nixed by the day transforming into the most beautiful weather we’ve had so far this year.

When I see blue sky from my one little window I feel COMPELLED to leave the house now, an after effect of Covid-19, and maybe of living on the ground floor.  I knew there would be too many people out, the norm for a Saturday in Paris. Double the people if there is even the slightest hint of good weather.

Thankfully the nice weather meant there was at least one place I could go where I could count on it not being too busy on a Saturday afternoon. I’m here now, writing this from *there*.

And what exactly am I writing about today?

Not much really.

Just that I made it out of the house just enough to stretch my legs for 2,000 steps before sitting down in front of my computer again. My mom advised me to go try something new, but this feels like the most I can muster when I didn’t even want to leave the house in the first place.

Sitting and watching the hordes of people strolling around through floor to ceiling windows while safely ensconced in a mostly empty restaurant, this is the part of the movie where our heroine is struck by an incredible idea/inspiration and starts frantically working on it until it comes to fruition.

But this is not a movie, and I still feel just as unmotivated as ever while trying to maintain the illusion of someone who is a productive member of society. Do I sound depressed? I’m not, I swear. At least I don’t think I am. As I like to say, “Everything is fine on paper”.

That is to say, I’m healthy, housed, and not hungry. I’m also loved, and profoundly thankful for my beautiful life. So, everything is fine. The only problem I really have is that I know just enough of what’s happening around me to be terrified of the near and far future, and intelligent enough to know that things are about to get really difficult, more difficult, for basically everyone.

But I degrees, that’s not what I really wanted to talk about is it?

No, I wanted to stay focused on me and my small problems. Like wanting to stay inside and mope around doing nothing when I have plenty of things I could and should be doing to advance my life. Beating myself up for not feeling like doing anything so not doing anything because no one is making me, least of all myself.

I was scrolling instagram and saw a video about what this woman thinks in response to people who ask her how she is so consistent in her diet and fitness routine. It was brutal. The person who posted it said she immediately got in the shower after watching the video and honestly I did too.

I think all the time about how I used to be so motivated and hold myself to certain standards. How a different version of me would have never wasted a whole year of hot yoga membership and would be up early doing yoga at home and cooking for herself with all of the time and space she has.

So what happened? Is it really just the smoking holding me back? I feel like no, but I could be wrong.

All I know is that I haven’t been motivated to be like how I was in so long that it’s hard to even remember what it was that motivated me then. Was it good old fashioned American fear? I resist feeling anxious in any situation, but was that anxiety what fueled my success?

I don’t want to discount the achievements I HAVE made so far since I moved here. I’ve done quite a bit in the last eight years. So much has changed, isn’t it normal that I have also changed? At least a bit? Can I change again? What will it take to change for the better? I can’t go backwards, I can only go forwards.

This is something I feel like I have been marinating on for a while, why am I not taking advantage of all this time to do something productive that will make me money to secure my future or at least make me more healthy so that I have the energy to continue on when things do eventually get more difficult?

I justify it by telling myself I’ve worked hard already and I’ve earned the right to rest.

The Questions

How much rest do I need? Am I resting too much? Why am I giving my energy away to people who are not helping me at all?

What is the deal with me going to bed late and waking up even later? This morning I didn’t get out of bed until 11am. Is it the stars? Is it some sort of collective energy? Why does everyone around me seem to be working hard and I seem to be just chillin? Is that okay? Am I being protected? Is shit about to hit the fan for me?

Can I post this and remain anonymous? If I remain anonymous will anyone even read it? Would I feel better if I could just put my phone down and think for myself again?

I see so many people running with basic ideas and developing it into something cool just by staying consistent. For whatever reason I like things to be more complicated and trick myself into thinking that if it’s too much the same then it will get boring.

But then I turn around and go to the same places, order the same foods and fall into the same thought patterns constantly.

When I was a teenager I had a blog on opendiary.com. I wish I’d known then how that could have propelled me into the writing career I always wished to have and never gave that up.

But then I have always been afraid of being open and honest about what I think and feel online because of all the hate that comes the way of those who do. When I started my Covid blog, I would water things down and hide behind my words and never really divulged too much information.

Despite multiple people telling me they like my writing, I still felt “not good enough” to consistently put my thoughts out there in written form. It’s easier to just talk to people or write in my journal and leave it there. 

But my voice can be just as valuable as anyone else’s right? Right??